Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
1st December, 2010.
Dear Reader,
The country is covered in snow. Teenagers are having a great time in the fields and parks sliding along on makeshift sleighs and throwing snowballs. Motorists are not having so much fun – the roads are hard to navigate and the stress of trying to avoid a skid is not funny. Older people are not to be seen out and about in this weather and there are repeated calls on the radio to check on neighbours and those living alone. The Irish Times reported on the tragedy an elderly man found dead near his car in north Cork. May he rest in peace and be remembered in our thoughts and prayers.
While the outer disturbance to our lives from a few days snow is easy to identify, the inner disturbance is less visible but can be more disturbing to some people. Most of us spend a lot of time and energy distracting ourselves from what we experience inside. We are often on the go regardless of whether we need to or not. When we are forced to stop by some outer circumstance such as the snow this week it can be quite unsettling. In particular if our social contact comes from going to school or work or via our regular daily activities. When these are cancelled or we cannot get there it is easy to find ourselves cut off and isolated.
The phone and internet can be invaluable tools during a time such as this and may be the only point of contact some people have with another human being till the weather softens. This does not apply just to those living in rural areas – the cities and towns can often be more isolating than rural areas. Bear this in mind when you get a call from someone out of the blue in the next few days. Take a few minutes to really hear what they may be saying to you. Better still if you are reminded of someone as you read this maybe pick up the phone and give them a call.
The spirit of community can operate in new ways now with the technology we have at our disposal. This blog is one such facility. When I think of community I think of Aristotle who lived around 384-322 BC was known as the prince of philosophers. He stressed the importance of community and friendship for human happiness. Happiness he believed is a by-product of living a good life. A good life for Aristotle is one that supports human development in body mind and spirit. This has become known as ‘human flourishing.’
As things slow down a little with the snow maybe reflect on what a good life means to you. As always I welcome your feedback and comments in confidence to info@psyche.ie or via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
Stress and The Empty Nest
Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
1st November, 2010.
Dear Reader,
Stress is usually represented with an image of an overworked person under serious time pressure. While that can be the case my focus for this article is the type of stress that is less talked about – the stress of the empty nest. The term ‘empty nest’ usually refers to the stage of a person’s life when their children leave home. It also covers far more than this so I will use the term in the literal sense.
An ‘empty nest’ is when the home is empty of the physical presence of another living being as can be the case for many reasons whether by choice or by circumstance. Some examples that contribute to the ‘empty nest’ are living alone, death, retirement, redundancy, family conflicts, in a relationship with someone who is married, death of a dearly loved pet, children leaving home, never having had children, health issues, disability, living in an isolated location, being seen as ‘odd’ and sadly not valued for your unique presence in the world… these are just some of the situations that are the everyday experience for many people.
In an ‘empty nest’ the sound of a ticking clock is often all that breaks the constant silence. The arrival of the postman can be an important highlight of the day. A trip to the shop or the church can be the only social contact in a day or a week. My aim is not to make you feel guilty or miserable but to invite you to consider that there are a variety of living arrangements other than those presented to us via media and advertising. The typical image of the happy couple with 2.2 children and a cat and dog sitting by a glowing fire is not the reality for many people in Ireland today.
With a little bit of thought and effort we can each make a significant contribution to each other without needing to know the details of other people’s particular circumstances. Here are some ideas and I welcome hearing others.
- If working in a shop consider making eye contact with your customer as you ask ‘how can I help you?’ rather than simply saying ‘next’ without looking up.
- Or in a restaurant is it absolutely necessary to seat a single customer at a poky table outside the toilets when there are better tables free?
- Is it really a good business decision to charge extra to customers who are alone?
- Are you really in such a hurry that you cannot hold a door open for the person following your footsteps on entering or exiting a shop?
- Can you consider greeting a stranger with eye contact or a nod or a smile?
- Is it really necessary to speed towards a red traffic light to block another car getting in front of you?
- Is a grumpy face really necessary as you wait in a queue?
- Is ‘thank you’ so hard to say?
- Do you appreciate the value of a handwritten letter enough to write one and post it?
The experience of another human being is often only appreciated after they die. What if we were to learn from that and begin to experiment with people who are still alive and have the capacity to be touched by the simple contact from another human being.
I welcome your feedback and comments as always in confidence to info@psyche.ie or I can be contacted via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
1st November, 2010.
Dear Reader,
Stress is usually represented with an image of an overworked person under serious time pressure. While that can be the case my focus for this article is the type of stress that is less talked about – the stress of the empty nest. The term ‘empty nest’ usually refers to the stage of a person’s life when their children leave home. It also covers far more than this so I will use the term in the literal sense.
An ‘empty nest’ is when the home is empty of the physical presence of another living being as can be the case for many reasons whether by choice or by circumstance. Some examples that contribute to the ‘empty nest’ are living alone, death, retirement, redundancy, family conflicts, in a relationship with someone who is married, death of a dearly loved pet, children leaving home, never having had children, health issues, disability, living in an isolated location, being seen as ‘odd’ and sadly not valued for your unique presence in the world… these are just some of the situations that are the everyday experience for many people.
In an ‘empty nest’ the sound of a ticking clock is often all that breaks the constant silence. The arrival of the postman can be an important highlight of the day. A trip to the shop or the church can be the only social contact in a day or a week. My aim is not to make you feel guilty or miserable but to invite you to consider that there are a variety of living arrangements other than those presented to us via media and advertising. The typical image of the happy couple with 2.2 children and a cat and dog sitting by a glowing fire is not the reality for many people in Ireland today.
With a little bit of thought and effort we can each make a significant contribution to each other without needing to know the details of other people’s particular circumstances. Here are some ideas and I welcome hearing others.
- If working in a shop consider making eye contact with your customer as you ask ‘how can I help you?’ rather than simply saying ‘next’ without looking up.
- Or in a restaurant is it absolutely necessary to seat a single customer at a poky table outside the toilets when there are better tables free?
- Is it really a good business decision to charge extra to customers who are alone?
- Are you really in such a hurry that you cannot hold a door open for the person following your footsteps on entering or exiting a shop?
- Can you consider greeting a stranger with eye contact or a nod or a smile?
- Is it really necessary to speed towards a red traffic light to block another car getting in front of you?
- Is a grumpy face really necessary as you wait in a queue?
- Is ‘thank you’ so hard to say?
- Do you appreciate the value of a handwritten letter enough to write one and post it?
The experience of another human being is often only appreciated after they die. What if we were to learn from that and begin to experiment with people who are still alive and have the capacity to be touched by the simple contact from another human being.
I welcome your feedback and comments as always in confidence to info@psyche.ie or I can be contacted via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Friday, October 1, 2010
Autumn
Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
1st October, 2010.
Dear Reader,
Many people dread the days getting shorter and the nights getting longer as autumn creeps up on us. While 'I hate the long evenings,' can be the expected thing to say at this time of year it can programme our psyche to believe this statement to be true. Before we know it we have set up a negative energy about autumn that is not fair to the wonder of the season and certainly not helpful to our mental health. Remember that thoughts create energy. It is often worthwhile to pay attention to what kind of energy we are creating and if it really is what is true for us.
Autumn is a time of abundance in nature. The grain has been harvested and stored, and the hedges are offering us their fruits to enjoy; blackberries, hazelnuts, beech nuts, damsons, crabapples, elderberries and sloes. Fruit has been particularly plentiful this year after the hard winter. The birds are following their innate wisdom and busy eating up as much of this nutritious fare as they can.
'So what?' you might ask. Getting out for a walk in nature at this time of year can be a wonderful and free natural remedy that we are fortunate to be able to do so easily. Even in the cities there are so many parks within a short distance and a trip to the beach or the forest is generally only a short journey away. Here are some useful links if you want to make a day of it… Coillte, National trails day, Looped walks.
Weather is another excuse we often give to stay indoors yet most of us have a raincoat and a spare set of clothes to change into if we do get wet. So really we have no excuse not to get out and see how it goes,hearing the golden leaves crunching under our feet and watching the leaves falling in front of us as we walk along.
While this is an easy natural and free way to nurture yourself that is good for the psyche it is not necessarily that simple as just geting up and getting out. Our old friends Mr. & Mrs. Resistance will be there to tell you 'you might get a cold' 'maybe you might miss something on the television' or that 'sure you can do it tomorrow' and the list goes on, and on, and on…
The support I am offering you this month is also a challenge. When you meet your resistance, thank it for the advice, but get out anyway and feel the breeze on your cheeks. You do not need to wait until you feel like it, just go for a walk and try it out. Especially if you don’t feel like it! Walk with the wonder of a child and see what catches your eye.
What draws your attention and maybe even causes you to smile. Let your arms swing and breathe out all your stresses and strains as you walk. If you have no stress celebrate that as you breathe deeper with each step. What does the natural state of your energy feel like? Let nature support your well-being as she has done for so many before you. When you get home noteice what it was like for you to get out for a while? How did you feel before and after. Was there any difference? If so, what did you notice? How was the whole experiment for you?
The longer nights are an essential time for us to review reflect and remember all that has gone on so far this year. What things have worked well and what didn’t. It is an interesting time to plan for the forthcoming year as you curl to rest and nurture your mind body and soul in preparation for the spring that is just around the corner.
I welcome your questions or comments, in confidence if you prefer, and look forward to hearing how you got on. Remember action speaks louder than words! Enjoy.
I can be contacted via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
1st October, 2010.
Dear Reader,
Many people dread the days getting shorter and the nights getting longer as autumn creeps up on us. While 'I hate the long evenings,' can be the expected thing to say at this time of year it can programme our psyche to believe this statement to be true. Before we know it we have set up a negative energy about autumn that is not fair to the wonder of the season and certainly not helpful to our mental health. Remember that thoughts create energy. It is often worthwhile to pay attention to what kind of energy we are creating and if it really is what is true for us.
Autumn is a time of abundance in nature. The grain has been harvested and stored, and the hedges are offering us their fruits to enjoy; blackberries, hazelnuts, beech nuts, damsons, crabapples, elderberries and sloes. Fruit has been particularly plentiful this year after the hard winter. The birds are following their innate wisdom and busy eating up as much of this nutritious fare as they can.
'So what?' you might ask. Getting out for a walk in nature at this time of year can be a wonderful and free natural remedy that we are fortunate to be able to do so easily. Even in the cities there are so many parks within a short distance and a trip to the beach or the forest is generally only a short journey away. Here are some useful links if you want to make a day of it… Coillte, National trails day, Looped walks.
Weather is another excuse we often give to stay indoors yet most of us have a raincoat and a spare set of clothes to change into if we do get wet. So really we have no excuse not to get out and see how it goes,hearing the golden leaves crunching under our feet and watching the leaves falling in front of us as we walk along.
While this is an easy natural and free way to nurture yourself that is good for the psyche it is not necessarily that simple as just geting up and getting out. Our old friends Mr. & Mrs. Resistance will be there to tell you 'you might get a cold' 'maybe you might miss something on the television' or that 'sure you can do it tomorrow' and the list goes on, and on, and on…
The support I am offering you this month is also a challenge. When you meet your resistance, thank it for the advice, but get out anyway and feel the breeze on your cheeks. You do not need to wait until you feel like it, just go for a walk and try it out. Especially if you don’t feel like it! Walk with the wonder of a child and see what catches your eye.
What draws your attention and maybe even causes you to smile. Let your arms swing and breathe out all your stresses and strains as you walk. If you have no stress celebrate that as you breathe deeper with each step. What does the natural state of your energy feel like? Let nature support your well-being as she has done for so many before you. When you get home noteice what it was like for you to get out for a while? How did you feel before and after. Was there any difference? If so, what did you notice? How was the whole experiment for you?
The longer nights are an essential time for us to review reflect and remember all that has gone on so far this year. What things have worked well and what didn’t. It is an interesting time to plan for the forthcoming year as you curl to rest and nurture your mind body and soul in preparation for the spring that is just around the corner.
I welcome your questions or comments, in confidence if you prefer, and look forward to hearing how you got on. Remember action speaks louder than words! Enjoy.
I can be contacted via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Anger
Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
1st September, 2010.
Dear Reader,
Anger has the potential to be a positive force in our lives, if we take the time and effort to follow three basic steps. The first is to understand how we experience anger; the second, to make reasonable choices in relation to that experience, and finally, to act according to these choices.
Anger runs from slight irritation on the lower scale, with annoyance, frustration, aggression, anger, and rage in the middle, and murderous rage at the top end. While I will vary the choice of words throughout, it is important to note that each word will simply indicate a particular intensity point on this continuum. It is interesting to consider what some reputable names have said about the positive aspects of anger.
The writer Anthony Storr in his book called Human Aggression makes some interesting points on the positive aspects of aggression. In response to the question ‘Is aggression an instinct?’ Storr suggests that in man as in other animals, there exists a physiological mechanism which, when stimulated, gives rise both to subjective feelings of anger and also to physical changes which prepare the body for fighting. However, the way in which human beings adapt to and control their feelings of rage differs widely according to training.
Under conditions of civilisation, it is perhaps easier to arouse aggression than to dispel it; and the man who works out his aggression in violent digging in the garden may seem psychologically naïve, but is displaying physiological wisdom, for he is both giving his rage time to subside and also making use of some of the physical effort for which his body is now keenly alerted. The existence of the physiological mechanism is not in doubt. Self-preservation demands that an animal should carry within it the potential for aggressive action, since the natural world is a place in which hostile threats must be overcome or evaded if life is to continue.
At the introspective level, it may be true to say that one deplores getting angry; but the physiological changes which accompany anger give rise to a subjective sense of well-being and of invigorating purpose which in itself is rewarding. Storr concludes that if the view is accepted that aggression is a basic part of human instinctive equipment, it must be possible to demonstrate that the aggressive drive serves a biological function in terms of preservation of the individual and of the human species. Aggression is not only a valuable part of individual human nature, but also an essential ingredient of the structure of society; and that it is only when the aggressive drive becomes blocked or frustrated that it becomes objectionable or dangerous. It must also be recognised that it is impossible and undesirable to try to rid ourselves of a part of our own nature which is not only innate, but also biologically valuable. The aggressive drive has a number of positive functions: in the creation of order in society. Winnicott agrees with this view, ‘If society is in danger, it is not because of man’s aggressiveness but because of the repression of personal aggressiveness in individuals.’
Elisabeth Kubler Ross an eminent psychiatrist and internationally renowned thanatologist, identified the five stages of grief as follows; denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and acceptance. Her research data was the dying patients she worked with. The problem she discovered with anger was that few people put themselves in the patient’s position to discover the reason behind the anger. She discovered that when a patient was listened to and understood, the need for rational angry outbursts diminished. Similar to a baby, she found that dying patients, who had lost control of some of their faculties, could only express their needs by the use of anger.
Being in the presence of an angry person can activate a persons own internal anger, and the response is often one of withdrawal as a way of denying the presence of internal discomfort. It follows therefore that we can only discover the message carried by our anger, by going towards it, in the spirit of enquiry and discovery, irrespective of whether the anger is in ourselves, or perceived in another.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes in the classic book Women who Run with the Wolves makes a convincing case for the positive use of rage. She argues that collective anger or rage is a natural function, and suggests there is such a phenomenon as group hurt and group grief. Those who become socially, politically, or culturally conscious often find they have to deal with a collective rage that seeps upwards through them, again and again. She holds that it is psychically sound, for them to feel this rage about injustice, and to use it to invent ways to elicit useful change. Collective anger can also be a teacher if we consult with it and question it, in solitude and with others. There is a difference between carrying around an old ingrown rage and stirring it with a new stick to see what constructive uses can come of it. On this basis it would appear reasonable to consider including the potential of anger as a positive force, in any ethical decision making process. By ethical, I mean that which supports human flourishing for self and others.
However I believe we are compelled to enquire into our personal bias and attitudes about anger arising both from our personal history and cultural heredity. There can be no doubt that in Ireland historically our relationship to anger is one of denial and avoidance. It is an aspect of our Be-ing, which I argue is not, in general, integrated into who we take ourselves to be. The result is that anger is not factored into how we make choices on how we “ought” to act. The potency of our anger is forced underground, into the depths of our unconscious, and tends to emerge in a range of destructive and disconnected dysfunctional acts at both the personal and collective level. However, if we are to choose between right and wrong we need to be able to distinguish between them.
As was outlined at the beginning, anger is one instinctual response of our innate wisdom. From the ethical perspective it behoves us to enquire into the cause of this biological response in order to obtain sufficient data to determine our moral intention.
It becomes necessary at some point to accept that anger in itself is neither good nor evil. It is simply a healthy, natural biological response to an outside event, that contains within it useful information for each person. The question, ‘What outer event has stimulated this biological response of anger’, will open the enquiry process. The result of the enquiry, combined with a persons capacity and willingness to take their part in being responsible to the greater good, by setting an appropriate ethical intention and acting accordingly, would deem the response of anger to be intrinsically a necessary and useful impulse towards ethical action.
Anger could also be seen as a subtle divine calling to notice something that needs our attention, which we might otherwise ignore were it not for the physicality that accompanies anger. Anger involves reason, to recognise the injury done, and to recognise what will count as satisfaction for it, but that doesn’t mean anger automatically submits to reason; it needs to be controlled by our free choice based on reason.
Any evil associated with anger ought to be fully attributed to the person who carries out the evil action. Refusing to accept the freedom which is ours is to show that we are afraid to accept responsibility. It follows that the defence of ‘I’m only human’, does not provide a satisfactory defence in the absence of employing reason to evaluate the instinctive response to anger, before taking action.
In conclusion, I decided to put my hypothesis to the test using a completely different perspective and looked to modern day Buddhist teachers. The work of Pema Chodron, on her CD called ‘Don’t Bite the Hook’ was particularly useful, in that she addresses this same issue albeit from a completely different perspective yet comes to the same conclusion. She is noted for her ability to ground complex abstract teachings in the everyday experience, and suggests that how you go towards happiness is by taming the mind and emotions. When faced with something you perceive unjust, getting enraged and righteously indignant serves only to create further injustice. Our challenge according to Chodron; is to acknowledge our anger, but not to act from it; to clearly see when harm is being done, yet speak and act in a way that is appropriate towards achieving the desired outcome. Chodron acknowledges the instinctual response, yet encourages us to act only from a reasoned place. We can want to strike out at someone yet refrain from acting on that impulse.
The case has herein been made that anger is neither good nor bad, but simply carries the innate potential to be a potent positive force in the moral arena. Patrick Hannon in his book Right or Wrong suggests that the responsibility for the moral future of Ireland lies in the conscience of every citizen of whatever religious persuasion.
If these thoughts and ideas inspire you to reflect on your experience of anger my purpose has been served. This is an ongoing process which can be challenging at times. Know that there is support available if you would like to explore any of these issues with the support of a skilled professional. You are also welcome to e-mail a question or comment in confidence to me via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
1st September, 2010.
Dear Reader,
Anger has the potential to be a positive force in our lives, if we take the time and effort to follow three basic steps. The first is to understand how we experience anger; the second, to make reasonable choices in relation to that experience, and finally, to act according to these choices.
Anger runs from slight irritation on the lower scale, with annoyance, frustration, aggression, anger, and rage in the middle, and murderous rage at the top end. While I will vary the choice of words throughout, it is important to note that each word will simply indicate a particular intensity point on this continuum. It is interesting to consider what some reputable names have said about the positive aspects of anger.
The writer Anthony Storr in his book called Human Aggression makes some interesting points on the positive aspects of aggression. In response to the question ‘Is aggression an instinct?’ Storr suggests that in man as in other animals, there exists a physiological mechanism which, when stimulated, gives rise both to subjective feelings of anger and also to physical changes which prepare the body for fighting. However, the way in which human beings adapt to and control their feelings of rage differs widely according to training.
Under conditions of civilisation, it is perhaps easier to arouse aggression than to dispel it; and the man who works out his aggression in violent digging in the garden may seem psychologically naïve, but is displaying physiological wisdom, for he is both giving his rage time to subside and also making use of some of the physical effort for which his body is now keenly alerted. The existence of the physiological mechanism is not in doubt. Self-preservation demands that an animal should carry within it the potential for aggressive action, since the natural world is a place in which hostile threats must be overcome or evaded if life is to continue.
At the introspective level, it may be true to say that one deplores getting angry; but the physiological changes which accompany anger give rise to a subjective sense of well-being and of invigorating purpose which in itself is rewarding. Storr concludes that if the view is accepted that aggression is a basic part of human instinctive equipment, it must be possible to demonstrate that the aggressive drive serves a biological function in terms of preservation of the individual and of the human species. Aggression is not only a valuable part of individual human nature, but also an essential ingredient of the structure of society; and that it is only when the aggressive drive becomes blocked or frustrated that it becomes objectionable or dangerous. It must also be recognised that it is impossible and undesirable to try to rid ourselves of a part of our own nature which is not only innate, but also biologically valuable. The aggressive drive has a number of positive functions: in the creation of order in society. Winnicott agrees with this view, ‘If society is in danger, it is not because of man’s aggressiveness but because of the repression of personal aggressiveness in individuals.’
Elisabeth Kubler Ross an eminent psychiatrist and internationally renowned thanatologist, identified the five stages of grief as follows; denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and acceptance. Her research data was the dying patients she worked with. The problem she discovered with anger was that few people put themselves in the patient’s position to discover the reason behind the anger. She discovered that when a patient was listened to and understood, the need for rational angry outbursts diminished. Similar to a baby, she found that dying patients, who had lost control of some of their faculties, could only express their needs by the use of anger.
Being in the presence of an angry person can activate a persons own internal anger, and the response is often one of withdrawal as a way of denying the presence of internal discomfort. It follows therefore that we can only discover the message carried by our anger, by going towards it, in the spirit of enquiry and discovery, irrespective of whether the anger is in ourselves, or perceived in another.
Clarissa Pinkola Estes in the classic book Women who Run with the Wolves makes a convincing case for the positive use of rage. She argues that collective anger or rage is a natural function, and suggests there is such a phenomenon as group hurt and group grief. Those who become socially, politically, or culturally conscious often find they have to deal with a collective rage that seeps upwards through them, again and again. She holds that it is psychically sound, for them to feel this rage about injustice, and to use it to invent ways to elicit useful change. Collective anger can also be a teacher if we consult with it and question it, in solitude and with others. There is a difference between carrying around an old ingrown rage and stirring it with a new stick to see what constructive uses can come of it. On this basis it would appear reasonable to consider including the potential of anger as a positive force, in any ethical decision making process. By ethical, I mean that which supports human flourishing for self and others.
However I believe we are compelled to enquire into our personal bias and attitudes about anger arising both from our personal history and cultural heredity. There can be no doubt that in Ireland historically our relationship to anger is one of denial and avoidance. It is an aspect of our Be-ing, which I argue is not, in general, integrated into who we take ourselves to be. The result is that anger is not factored into how we make choices on how we “ought” to act. The potency of our anger is forced underground, into the depths of our unconscious, and tends to emerge in a range of destructive and disconnected dysfunctional acts at both the personal and collective level. However, if we are to choose between right and wrong we need to be able to distinguish between them.
As was outlined at the beginning, anger is one instinctual response of our innate wisdom. From the ethical perspective it behoves us to enquire into the cause of this biological response in order to obtain sufficient data to determine our moral intention.
It becomes necessary at some point to accept that anger in itself is neither good nor evil. It is simply a healthy, natural biological response to an outside event, that contains within it useful information for each person. The question, ‘What outer event has stimulated this biological response of anger’, will open the enquiry process. The result of the enquiry, combined with a persons capacity and willingness to take their part in being responsible to the greater good, by setting an appropriate ethical intention and acting accordingly, would deem the response of anger to be intrinsically a necessary and useful impulse towards ethical action.
Anger could also be seen as a subtle divine calling to notice something that needs our attention, which we might otherwise ignore were it not for the physicality that accompanies anger. Anger involves reason, to recognise the injury done, and to recognise what will count as satisfaction for it, but that doesn’t mean anger automatically submits to reason; it needs to be controlled by our free choice based on reason.
Any evil associated with anger ought to be fully attributed to the person who carries out the evil action. Refusing to accept the freedom which is ours is to show that we are afraid to accept responsibility. It follows that the defence of ‘I’m only human’, does not provide a satisfactory defence in the absence of employing reason to evaluate the instinctive response to anger, before taking action.
In conclusion, I decided to put my hypothesis to the test using a completely different perspective and looked to modern day Buddhist teachers. The work of Pema Chodron, on her CD called ‘Don’t Bite the Hook’ was particularly useful, in that she addresses this same issue albeit from a completely different perspective yet comes to the same conclusion. She is noted for her ability to ground complex abstract teachings in the everyday experience, and suggests that how you go towards happiness is by taming the mind and emotions. When faced with something you perceive unjust, getting enraged and righteously indignant serves only to create further injustice. Our challenge according to Chodron; is to acknowledge our anger, but not to act from it; to clearly see when harm is being done, yet speak and act in a way that is appropriate towards achieving the desired outcome. Chodron acknowledges the instinctual response, yet encourages us to act only from a reasoned place. We can want to strike out at someone yet refrain from acting on that impulse.
The case has herein been made that anger is neither good nor bad, but simply carries the innate potential to be a potent positive force in the moral arena. Patrick Hannon in his book Right or Wrong suggests that the responsibility for the moral future of Ireland lies in the conscience of every citizen of whatever religious persuasion.
If these thoughts and ideas inspire you to reflect on your experience of anger my purpose has been served. This is an ongoing process which can be challenging at times. Know that there is support available if you would like to explore any of these issues with the support of a skilled professional. You are also welcome to e-mail a question or comment in confidence to me via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Monday, August 2, 2010
Grief and Loss
Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
2nd August, 2010.
Dear Reader
The human experience of grief and loss is often spoken about in the context of the death of a loved one. Death understandably evokes feelings of great grief and loss, but in this instance the aim is to think about grief and loss in a wider context.
From the day we are born we experience many losses as part of our natural development. Birth itself involves a loss of the protection provided by the womb. Each new step we take involves the loss of a previous stage of development. We loose our first teeth to make way for our second teeth. When we go to school sometimes we loose friends as often as we make new ones. We loose our childhood as we begin the transition into adult life with the onset of puberty. Loss is not a bad thing, but simply an experience that deserves to be acknowledged. In our western culture we tend not to mark and honour these rites of passage.
We can tend to dismiss the losses experienced by children when we assess the severity of their loss against an adult scale. A typical example here is the loss of a pet; cat, dog, rabbit or some living love object. Adults often try to soothe the child’s tears of loss with the promise to get another cat or dog, thereby missing the point that it is natural and necessary for the child to mourn their loss to allow the broken heart time to heal. As this approach was not generally the case as many of us grew up, we can have a backlog of little losses which have never been allowed time to grieve, so naturally they add up and are just beneath the surface of our everyday awareness, popping up when an opportunity to express some grief arises. Some examples of this are; crying at a sad film, feeling grief stricken when a pop star dies who we did not even know. We think we are crying for others; when it is likely we are feeling our own internal grief.
Where this can become very intense is when a loved one dies and we feel overwhelmed by grief, sometimes to the extent that we feel we cannot function any more. This can be an opportunity to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves, while we begin to feel all that has piled up in our personal history of losses that are now ready to be acknowledged. Often we need a certain distance from a painful event before we are ready to feel the pain of it. Feeling in real time can be too much at times. So there is a wonderful natural timing to all this, we feel our grief when, and only when, our heart is ready to open a little more than usual, to let in our pain.
Tears and sadness are often understood to be the sum total of the experience of grief but there is more to it. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set out five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages can appear at different times and at various levels of intensity, and in no particular pattern or order. Each person has a grieving process that is unique to them. There is no right or wrong way to do it.
Anger can be the most difficult to deal with, because it is not often understood as simply a part of the grieving process. If you are experiencing grief I have two recommendations.
The first; is to welcome whatever you are feeling, little by little, slowly and steadily. We can only do this at our own pace and it varies considerably how different people manage it. Each step we take helps us reclaim another piece of our soul, which can be clouded by grief.
The second is to use the art of communication. Tell the people around you what you need, don’t assume they will know, they generally don’t. Some examples may be;
That you just need them to listen, but not feel they have to say anything profound and helpful in response.
That you don’t have the interest or energy in going out on the town, maybe you would like if they cooked a quiet meal for you at home.
That you would like them to do the shopping for you while you rest a while.
That they go for a walk with you, simply to share company without trying to fix anything.
That you need some time on your own today but would be glad to meet up another day.
So there are many ways to grieve and there is no ideal or right way to do it. What is important is that you honour the way that feels appropriate to you, and communicate your needs to those close to you in as clear a way as you are able. This will support the natural healing process of grieving.
Allowing ourselves to grieve supports our mental health and well being, while it can also be challenging. Leonard Cohen captured one attitude to this as he sang last night into the ether outside Lissadell House from a place of soulful innate wisdom, "..if it be your will."
If you need to make contact with me with any comments or questions you are welcome to contact me in confidence via the contacts page of my website at www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully
Mary Stefanazzi
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
2nd August, 2010.
Dear Reader
The human experience of grief and loss is often spoken about in the context of the death of a loved one. Death understandably evokes feelings of great grief and loss, but in this instance the aim is to think about grief and loss in a wider context.
From the day we are born we experience many losses as part of our natural development. Birth itself involves a loss of the protection provided by the womb. Each new step we take involves the loss of a previous stage of development. We loose our first teeth to make way for our second teeth. When we go to school sometimes we loose friends as often as we make new ones. We loose our childhood as we begin the transition into adult life with the onset of puberty. Loss is not a bad thing, but simply an experience that deserves to be acknowledged. In our western culture we tend not to mark and honour these rites of passage.
We can tend to dismiss the losses experienced by children when we assess the severity of their loss against an adult scale. A typical example here is the loss of a pet; cat, dog, rabbit or some living love object. Adults often try to soothe the child’s tears of loss with the promise to get another cat or dog, thereby missing the point that it is natural and necessary for the child to mourn their loss to allow the broken heart time to heal. As this approach was not generally the case as many of us grew up, we can have a backlog of little losses which have never been allowed time to grieve, so naturally they add up and are just beneath the surface of our everyday awareness, popping up when an opportunity to express some grief arises. Some examples of this are; crying at a sad film, feeling grief stricken when a pop star dies who we did not even know. We think we are crying for others; when it is likely we are feeling our own internal grief.
Where this can become very intense is when a loved one dies and we feel overwhelmed by grief, sometimes to the extent that we feel we cannot function any more. This can be an opportunity to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves, while we begin to feel all that has piled up in our personal history of losses that are now ready to be acknowledged. Often we need a certain distance from a painful event before we are ready to feel the pain of it. Feeling in real time can be too much at times. So there is a wonderful natural timing to all this, we feel our grief when, and only when, our heart is ready to open a little more than usual, to let in our pain.
Tears and sadness are often understood to be the sum total of the experience of grief but there is more to it. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set out five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages can appear at different times and at various levels of intensity, and in no particular pattern or order. Each person has a grieving process that is unique to them. There is no right or wrong way to do it.
Anger can be the most difficult to deal with, because it is not often understood as simply a part of the grieving process. If you are experiencing grief I have two recommendations.
The first; is to welcome whatever you are feeling, little by little, slowly and steadily. We can only do this at our own pace and it varies considerably how different people manage it. Each step we take helps us reclaim another piece of our soul, which can be clouded by grief.
The second is to use the art of communication. Tell the people around you what you need, don’t assume they will know, they generally don’t. Some examples may be;
That you just need them to listen, but not feel they have to say anything profound and helpful in response.
That you don’t have the interest or energy in going out on the town, maybe you would like if they cooked a quiet meal for you at home.
That you would like them to do the shopping for you while you rest a while.
That they go for a walk with you, simply to share company without trying to fix anything.
That you need some time on your own today but would be glad to meet up another day.
So there are many ways to grieve and there is no ideal or right way to do it. What is important is that you honour the way that feels appropriate to you, and communicate your needs to those close to you in as clear a way as you are able. This will support the natural healing process of grieving.
Allowing ourselves to grieve supports our mental health and well being, while it can also be challenging. Leonard Cohen captured one attitude to this as he sang last night into the ether outside Lissadell House from a place of soulful innate wisdom, "..if it be your will."
If you need to make contact with me with any comments or questions you are welcome to contact me in confidence via the contacts page of my website at www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully
Mary Stefanazzi
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Resistance
Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
3rd July, 2010.
Dear Reader,
The funniest story I know about resistance, was told by the much loved Irish comedian, Brendan Grace. He tells of a young boy fighting against his mother as she is trying to give him syrup of figs for constipation. You can make me take it, he says, but I won’t go to the toilet!
It seems anytime we challenge ourselves, whether on a personal or professional level, that resistance will be close by. It is not so much a question of do you resist, but rather, how you resist. It can be obvious, like the little boy determined to resist the effect of the laxative given to him by his mother, or subtle and unconscious, making it difficult to catch this aspect of the workings of the psyche in real time.
Some simple everyday examples of the subtle nature of resistance are;
When can’t find your keys on the way to an appointment that is challenging yet good for you…
When, all of a sudden, you find yourself getting tired as you prepare to take some exercise…
When you find you have a great interest in housework, just as you start to do some paperwork that has been left on the long finger…
When you get lost on the way to meet someone that you would really rather not meet…
When you wake up and you say another just another few minutes then I’ll get up…
So it seems that resistance is a method of inner communication for us. While it can be amusing, it can also be very revealing. If you are interested in finding out more, a useful starting point is to learn to become a detective; whose job it is to investigate how your particular form of resistance operates.
The skill required has two components; First; you need to be curious about your inner experience, and second; you need to be willing to give it some time and effort.
One example might be, next time you are heading out for a walk, and you experience that incapacitating tiredness that wants you to stay at home, notice it, and go for the walk anyway. Notice how you are as you walk, and how you are when you get home. Then compare the three stages, before; during, and after the activity and see if you can spot any differences. Notice what messages your tiredness gave your brain. Was that message true? To check it out, compare how you felt after acting on your plan, (by going for the walk), with how you felt beforehand.
After this detective work, it is often worthwhile to stand back and see what purpose your resistance serves. Does it help you to go towards what is good for you, or keep you away from what is good for you? When you figure this out, based solely on the facts and evidence provided by your own experience, you then have data from which to make the best choices for you. It is very useful to plan, and be prepared for, the resistance that will inevitably arise to throw you off your course.
Resistance is not our enemy. It could be regarded our greatest teacher, and therefore it seems reasonable to want to learn from such a master in the art of our inner workings. However, we have to make an effort to learn the lessons our resistance has to teach us. Resistance puts us to the test and invites us to engage with it before we can become students. It is much easier to ignore resistance and carry on oblivious to what is happening at a deeper level in our psyche. This is simply another way of approaching the issue, which is also useful, when it is reasonable to make such a choice.
I would be interested to hear how you get on, and welcome your feedback, comments or questions. Let me know by commenting on this blog, or send me a personal message in confidence via the contact page of my website at www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
3rd July, 2010.
Dear Reader,
The funniest story I know about resistance, was told by the much loved Irish comedian, Brendan Grace. He tells of a young boy fighting against his mother as she is trying to give him syrup of figs for constipation. You can make me take it, he says, but I won’t go to the toilet!
It seems anytime we challenge ourselves, whether on a personal or professional level, that resistance will be close by. It is not so much a question of do you resist, but rather, how you resist. It can be obvious, like the little boy determined to resist the effect of the laxative given to him by his mother, or subtle and unconscious, making it difficult to catch this aspect of the workings of the psyche in real time.
Some simple everyday examples of the subtle nature of resistance are;
When can’t find your keys on the way to an appointment that is challenging yet good for you…
When, all of a sudden, you find yourself getting tired as you prepare to take some exercise…
When you find you have a great interest in housework, just as you start to do some paperwork that has been left on the long finger…
When you get lost on the way to meet someone that you would really rather not meet…
When you wake up and you say another just another few minutes then I’ll get up…
So it seems that resistance is a method of inner communication for us. While it can be amusing, it can also be very revealing. If you are interested in finding out more, a useful starting point is to learn to become a detective; whose job it is to investigate how your particular form of resistance operates.
The skill required has two components; First; you need to be curious about your inner experience, and second; you need to be willing to give it some time and effort.
One example might be, next time you are heading out for a walk, and you experience that incapacitating tiredness that wants you to stay at home, notice it, and go for the walk anyway. Notice how you are as you walk, and how you are when you get home. Then compare the three stages, before; during, and after the activity and see if you can spot any differences. Notice what messages your tiredness gave your brain. Was that message true? To check it out, compare how you felt after acting on your plan, (by going for the walk), with how you felt beforehand.
After this detective work, it is often worthwhile to stand back and see what purpose your resistance serves. Does it help you to go towards what is good for you, or keep you away from what is good for you? When you figure this out, based solely on the facts and evidence provided by your own experience, you then have data from which to make the best choices for you. It is very useful to plan, and be prepared for, the resistance that will inevitably arise to throw you off your course.
Resistance is not our enemy. It could be regarded our greatest teacher, and therefore it seems reasonable to want to learn from such a master in the art of our inner workings. However, we have to make an effort to learn the lessons our resistance has to teach us. Resistance puts us to the test and invites us to engage with it before we can become students. It is much easier to ignore resistance and carry on oblivious to what is happening at a deeper level in our psyche. This is simply another way of approaching the issue, which is also useful, when it is reasonable to make such a choice.
I would be interested to hear how you get on, and welcome your feedback, comments or questions. Let me know by commenting on this blog, or send me a personal message in confidence via the contact page of my website at www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Who Heals the Healers?
Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
2nd June, 2010.
Dear Reader,
Deciding to visit a professional requires motivation. How do people know what therapy to choose? How do they select a therapist? When they finally arrive their thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears and expectations about what may happen have likely already been established.
The therapist in advance of this first meeting may have their own anxieties about the initial meeting. Some may be confident that no matter what presents they can handle it. Others may be going through a stressful time in their own life and be hoping that this client will be easy; not too challenging. In ideal circumstances they would like to cancel, but the mortgage is due this week….
These examples illustrate the complex web that is woven in the invisible ether before these two people meet. Multiply this by the number of clients seen in a week and all the ingredients are there to create stress, burn-out and possibly dis-ease for the therapist, and disappointment for the client.
Who heals the Healers? Training ends when qualification is received. Not all therapies have a professional body, and for those who do the time and resources are often taken up in setting up a system of self-regulation. It would appear to be left to the individual to maintain their well-being and develop their practice without the benefit of another point of view.
This is not a concern that has popped up with the dawn of the New Age, but one that has been expressed by significant figures in the past. Many writers have written on this theme and their words are often quoted under the banner of the wounded healer, “Physician, Heal Thyself”.
Carl G Jung summarises this best by saying that we can only bring somebody as far as we have travelled ourselves. These words are easy to quote but far more challenging to put into practice.
The first complementary medicine exhibition was held in Dublin’s Mansion House in 1984. People flocked to the event and in response to the strange sounding names such as ‘Reflexology’ ‘Aromatherapy’ and ‘Metamorphosis’. Their first question at each stand, often in between the giggles, was generally ‘What’s that all about!’
Twenty six years later and the contrast is remarkable with an extensive range of therapies available throughout Ireland under the broad heading of Complementary and Alternative medicine. The names of many of these therapies are now familiar and have been tried out by many.
It is therefore an opportune time to discuss the consumer issues that arise from this level of growth. These can be summarised in two categories;
1. issues for the consumer, and
2. issues for professionals, (used in this context to covers all disciplines).
Consumer Issues
When a consumer goes to a doctor, dentist or optician they are safeguarded by statutory regulation. Statutory regulation means that it is illegal to practice these professions without being registered with the appropriate body. As statutory regulation in not yet written into the statute books for complementary and alternative therapies, choosing a reputable therapist requires information gathering on the part of the consumer before choosing which therapy best meets their needs and which therapist to choose.
Some disciplines have self-regulated by forming a professional body and setting minimum standards of practice. In general, these organisations determine the minimum level of training required to practice professionally and maintain a register of therapists meeting this criteria. Letters used after their names by therapists often denote the body they are a member of. This should not be taken for granted, as many organisations also offer associate status for therapists in training and interested parties.
In addition, some associations have developed a code of ethics for practice and will provide information for consumers. This process is known as self-regulation of a profession. While this is welcome, it should be noted that membership is voluntary i.e. it is not illegal to practice without being a member.
Given this situation it is vital for consumers to ask questions. If you do not fully understand the explanations, keep asking until you do. Most reputable therapists will appreciate your questions. Another possibility is to first contact the professional body for the therapy that interests you, and request general information. This can be very useful in forming the questions you need answers to before making your final choice.
Having made your choice next come the practical concerns. How long is a session? How much will it cost? What can you expect to happen? Where does the meeting take place? What would a successful outcome be? Will regular sessions be required? How is progress evaluated?
Having gone to a therapist what was your initial evaluation? Why did you go in the first place, and now that you have been there, did the experience meet your needs? If you had any questions did you ask them? If not, why not? A common difficulty for clients at their first visit is to feel they don’t know enough to ask the questions they want to. Not everybody chooses the therapy most suitable for them at the first attempt. The answers to these questions are vital stepping stones on your personal journey.
The most vital point here is to trust yourself - make your evaluation before discussing with friends etc. just as you would with a doctor, solicitor, hairdresser, restaurant, or hotel. The procedure is no different. The reason for evaluating alone is that each persons experience is unique. A friend may experience the same therapy and therapist very differently to you. This is not necessarily a reflection on the therapist.
How suitable was the premises where you were received? Were you interrupted during a session? How was basic hygiene? Was the therapist ready at the appropriate time to meet you? If not how was this dealt with? Did you feel this time which you had contracted and paid for was solely to meet your needs? Did you leave knowing more about the therapist than you got time to tell of yourself?
Issues for Therapists
The word ‘Holistic’ is a familiar one in the area of complementary therapies and comes from the Greek ‘holos’ meaning whole. In the context of therapeutic work, ‘Holistic’ is understood to be an approach which recognises the Body, Mind, Spirit and Feeling aspect of being a person. To be true to the essence of the Holistic paradigm it is necessary to include both therapist and client, for when the two meet a particular energy system is created. To read more about this energy approach, see Applied Energy Therapy TM on my website www.psyche.ie.
Training in a particular discipline such as massage for example, will at the most basic level cover the workings of the body, massage strokes, and contraindications to treatment. While the thought, feeling and spiritual aspects may well be discussed, a massage qualification does not equip a therapist to deal with the emotional material that can often emerge.
Professional therapists will know very clearly the boundaries to the service their training equips them to provide and will make appropriate referrals as required. The therapist’s personal ethical code is what supports them in discussing the options available with their client. Openness and accountability are words not often used in this regard but they are as relevant here as in the business world.
When therapists work with a client outside their area of expertise they are exposing themselves to burn-out. The underlying motive to do this is worthy of exploration and will likely reveal some interesting personal material. It is not acceptable practice for a therapist to cross this fine line. The difficulty here is that these needs are generally unconscious, however, the responsibility for how they are met rests with the therapist in all cases.
What forum do you have as a therapist to monitor this unconscious process? When therapists identify their worth as persons by the success or failure they have with their clients they are unlikely to acknowledge to themselves that they need support around the personal issues their work may activate. If unchecked, power struggles and subsequent slipping of therapeutic boundaries can creep into the therapeutic relationship. Therapeutic work carried out in this manner can under no circumstances be truthfully called professional, never mind healing or holistic. In fact it can be damaging to the client.
The nature of therapeutic work is such that a therapist’s unconscious material will emerge in the course of their work. This is a simple fact and is no reflection on any therapist. The issue is knowing how to deal with this process. This places an ethical responsibility on every therapist to have a system in place to deal with this appropriately on an on-going basis.
Fritjof Capra illustrated the process of how unconscious material is generally dealt with in a lecture he gave by asking the audience to imagine a driver who responded to the red light on the dashboard of his car, indicating a critical oil shortage, by disconnecting the cables leading to the warning signal system. Satisfied the problem was adequately handled, the driver continued the journey.
While dealing with unconscious material can be challenging at times, the personal discoveries that are possible can be life changing.
To those not familiar with working on their internal process it can be difficult to recognise unconscious material without the help of a trained person. Many spiritual traditions would go so far as to say it is not possible unless we are enlightened beings such as Jesus or Buddha.
We come into being and exist through relationship. Relationships both personal and professional reflect our unconscious material. The hidden aspects of ourselves are visible in the qualities we love and hate in others. While we may feel fearful, we have a choice; to engage on a path of self discovery full of wonder, or to disconnect the cables to the indicators that show there is soulful work to be done!
Conclusion
The eventual introduction of statutory regulation will ensure the minimum standards for professional practice. The questions raised in this article aim to address the deeper personal issues. These issues have the potential to unravel the blocks for each human being to allow them to grow and develop personally and professionally.
To facilitate those interested in engaging in this process I facilitate this on a one to one basis or in a group situation under the title of a ‘Nuts & Bolts’ meeting. Contact details are on my website www.psyche.ie, and you are welcome to make contact with any questions or comments.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
2nd June, 2010.
Dear Reader,
Deciding to visit a professional requires motivation. How do people know what therapy to choose? How do they select a therapist? When they finally arrive their thoughts, feelings, hopes, fears and expectations about what may happen have likely already been established.
The therapist in advance of this first meeting may have their own anxieties about the initial meeting. Some may be confident that no matter what presents they can handle it. Others may be going through a stressful time in their own life and be hoping that this client will be easy; not too challenging. In ideal circumstances they would like to cancel, but the mortgage is due this week….
These examples illustrate the complex web that is woven in the invisible ether before these two people meet. Multiply this by the number of clients seen in a week and all the ingredients are there to create stress, burn-out and possibly dis-ease for the therapist, and disappointment for the client.
Who heals the Healers? Training ends when qualification is received. Not all therapies have a professional body, and for those who do the time and resources are often taken up in setting up a system of self-regulation. It would appear to be left to the individual to maintain their well-being and develop their practice without the benefit of another point of view.
This is not a concern that has popped up with the dawn of the New Age, but one that has been expressed by significant figures in the past. Many writers have written on this theme and their words are often quoted under the banner of the wounded healer, “Physician, Heal Thyself”.
Carl G Jung summarises this best by saying that we can only bring somebody as far as we have travelled ourselves. These words are easy to quote but far more challenging to put into practice.
The first complementary medicine exhibition was held in Dublin’s Mansion House in 1984. People flocked to the event and in response to the strange sounding names such as ‘Reflexology’ ‘Aromatherapy’ and ‘Metamorphosis’. Their first question at each stand, often in between the giggles, was generally ‘What’s that all about!’
Twenty six years later and the contrast is remarkable with an extensive range of therapies available throughout Ireland under the broad heading of Complementary and Alternative medicine. The names of many of these therapies are now familiar and have been tried out by many.
It is therefore an opportune time to discuss the consumer issues that arise from this level of growth. These can be summarised in two categories;
1. issues for the consumer, and
2. issues for professionals, (used in this context to covers all disciplines).
Consumer Issues
When a consumer goes to a doctor, dentist or optician they are safeguarded by statutory regulation. Statutory regulation means that it is illegal to practice these professions without being registered with the appropriate body. As statutory regulation in not yet written into the statute books for complementary and alternative therapies, choosing a reputable therapist requires information gathering on the part of the consumer before choosing which therapy best meets their needs and which therapist to choose.
Some disciplines have self-regulated by forming a professional body and setting minimum standards of practice. In general, these organisations determine the minimum level of training required to practice professionally and maintain a register of therapists meeting this criteria. Letters used after their names by therapists often denote the body they are a member of. This should not be taken for granted, as many organisations also offer associate status for therapists in training and interested parties.
In addition, some associations have developed a code of ethics for practice and will provide information for consumers. This process is known as self-regulation of a profession. While this is welcome, it should be noted that membership is voluntary i.e. it is not illegal to practice without being a member.
Given this situation it is vital for consumers to ask questions. If you do not fully understand the explanations, keep asking until you do. Most reputable therapists will appreciate your questions. Another possibility is to first contact the professional body for the therapy that interests you, and request general information. This can be very useful in forming the questions you need answers to before making your final choice.
Having made your choice next come the practical concerns. How long is a session? How much will it cost? What can you expect to happen? Where does the meeting take place? What would a successful outcome be? Will regular sessions be required? How is progress evaluated?
Having gone to a therapist what was your initial evaluation? Why did you go in the first place, and now that you have been there, did the experience meet your needs? If you had any questions did you ask them? If not, why not? A common difficulty for clients at their first visit is to feel they don’t know enough to ask the questions they want to. Not everybody chooses the therapy most suitable for them at the first attempt. The answers to these questions are vital stepping stones on your personal journey.
The most vital point here is to trust yourself - make your evaluation before discussing with friends etc. just as you would with a doctor, solicitor, hairdresser, restaurant, or hotel. The procedure is no different. The reason for evaluating alone is that each persons experience is unique. A friend may experience the same therapy and therapist very differently to you. This is not necessarily a reflection on the therapist.
How suitable was the premises where you were received? Were you interrupted during a session? How was basic hygiene? Was the therapist ready at the appropriate time to meet you? If not how was this dealt with? Did you feel this time which you had contracted and paid for was solely to meet your needs? Did you leave knowing more about the therapist than you got time to tell of yourself?
Issues for Therapists
The word ‘Holistic’ is a familiar one in the area of complementary therapies and comes from the Greek ‘holos’ meaning whole. In the context of therapeutic work, ‘Holistic’ is understood to be an approach which recognises the Body, Mind, Spirit and Feeling aspect of being a person. To be true to the essence of the Holistic paradigm it is necessary to include both therapist and client, for when the two meet a particular energy system is created. To read more about this energy approach, see Applied Energy Therapy TM on my website www.psyche.ie.
Training in a particular discipline such as massage for example, will at the most basic level cover the workings of the body, massage strokes, and contraindications to treatment. While the thought, feeling and spiritual aspects may well be discussed, a massage qualification does not equip a therapist to deal with the emotional material that can often emerge.
Professional therapists will know very clearly the boundaries to the service their training equips them to provide and will make appropriate referrals as required. The therapist’s personal ethical code is what supports them in discussing the options available with their client. Openness and accountability are words not often used in this regard but they are as relevant here as in the business world.
When therapists work with a client outside their area of expertise they are exposing themselves to burn-out. The underlying motive to do this is worthy of exploration and will likely reveal some interesting personal material. It is not acceptable practice for a therapist to cross this fine line. The difficulty here is that these needs are generally unconscious, however, the responsibility for how they are met rests with the therapist in all cases.
What forum do you have as a therapist to monitor this unconscious process? When therapists identify their worth as persons by the success or failure they have with their clients they are unlikely to acknowledge to themselves that they need support around the personal issues their work may activate. If unchecked, power struggles and subsequent slipping of therapeutic boundaries can creep into the therapeutic relationship. Therapeutic work carried out in this manner can under no circumstances be truthfully called professional, never mind healing or holistic. In fact it can be damaging to the client.
The nature of therapeutic work is such that a therapist’s unconscious material will emerge in the course of their work. This is a simple fact and is no reflection on any therapist. The issue is knowing how to deal with this process. This places an ethical responsibility on every therapist to have a system in place to deal with this appropriately on an on-going basis.
Fritjof Capra illustrated the process of how unconscious material is generally dealt with in a lecture he gave by asking the audience to imagine a driver who responded to the red light on the dashboard of his car, indicating a critical oil shortage, by disconnecting the cables leading to the warning signal system. Satisfied the problem was adequately handled, the driver continued the journey.
While dealing with unconscious material can be challenging at times, the personal discoveries that are possible can be life changing.
To those not familiar with working on their internal process it can be difficult to recognise unconscious material without the help of a trained person. Many spiritual traditions would go so far as to say it is not possible unless we are enlightened beings such as Jesus or Buddha.
We come into being and exist through relationship. Relationships both personal and professional reflect our unconscious material. The hidden aspects of ourselves are visible in the qualities we love and hate in others. While we may feel fearful, we have a choice; to engage on a path of self discovery full of wonder, or to disconnect the cables to the indicators that show there is soulful work to be done!
Conclusion
The eventual introduction of statutory regulation will ensure the minimum standards for professional practice. The questions raised in this article aim to address the deeper personal issues. These issues have the potential to unravel the blocks for each human being to allow them to grow and develop personally and professionally.
To facilitate those interested in engaging in this process I facilitate this on a one to one basis or in a group situation under the title of a ‘Nuts & Bolts’ meeting. Contact details are on my website www.psyche.ie, and you are welcome to make contact with any questions or comments.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
The Energy of Money
Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
4th May, 2010.
Dear Reader,
In this time of recession more people are talking openly about money and their relationship to it. Looking at the theme of money in our lives can be a very interesting exercise at many levels. For clarity, I will talk here about one level, although there are many more we could discuss.
At the most basic level we interact with money on a constant basis as a medium of exchange to provide us with the basic goods of food, warmth and shelter which meet our basic survival needs, irrespective of how much money we have to start off with.
I am often fascinated when people say ‘I don’t waste my time thinking about money, there are more important things in my life’; and find myself left with lists of questions in reply. How can you deal with the important things if you ignore the basics? How can you pay for the more important things if you don’t know what your bottom line is? Is it really possible to live the way you want to without considering the financial implications?
In my work I facilitate people to explore the theme of money in their lives. I use an energy based approach with I created back in 1993, called Applied Energy Therapy TM. This approach can be used to explore any topic, but lends itself particularly well to looking at the theme of money in a persons life. You can read more about Applied Energy Therapy TM on my website at www.psyche.ie.
When you know what your patterns are, this can be an opportunity to assess the effectiveness of how you operate in relation to money. The result is generally to continue as before, or make some changes.
A interesting example is when the theme is to spend, spend, spend, and not count the cost till another time. People sometimes discover, to their surprise, that the reason for this belief is that they were afraid people would not like them, or worse still, think them mean.
As everybody is different, the approach will vary depending on the person and what their priority is. During the month of May 2010, I am offering a free consultation competition on the Energy of Money at my Westmeath office, to three people. To enter, e-mail me at info@psyche.ie, outlining in reasonable detail why you would like to avail of this opportunity and why I should choose you. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
4th May, 2010.
Dear Reader,
In this time of recession more people are talking openly about money and their relationship to it. Looking at the theme of money in our lives can be a very interesting exercise at many levels. For clarity, I will talk here about one level, although there are many more we could discuss.
At the most basic level we interact with money on a constant basis as a medium of exchange to provide us with the basic goods of food, warmth and shelter which meet our basic survival needs, irrespective of how much money we have to start off with.
I am often fascinated when people say ‘I don’t waste my time thinking about money, there are more important things in my life’; and find myself left with lists of questions in reply. How can you deal with the important things if you ignore the basics? How can you pay for the more important things if you don’t know what your bottom line is? Is it really possible to live the way you want to without considering the financial implications?
In my work I facilitate people to explore the theme of money in their lives. I use an energy based approach with I created back in 1993, called Applied Energy Therapy TM. This approach can be used to explore any topic, but lends itself particularly well to looking at the theme of money in a persons life. You can read more about Applied Energy Therapy TM on my website at www.psyche.ie.
When you know what your patterns are, this can be an opportunity to assess the effectiveness of how you operate in relation to money. The result is generally to continue as before, or make some changes.
A interesting example is when the theme is to spend, spend, spend, and not count the cost till another time. People sometimes discover, to their surprise, that the reason for this belief is that they were afraid people would not like them, or worse still, think them mean.
As everybody is different, the approach will vary depending on the person and what their priority is. During the month of May 2010, I am offering a free consultation competition on the Energy of Money at my Westmeath office, to three people. To enter, e-mail me at info@psyche.ie, outlining in reasonable detail why you would like to avail of this opportunity and why I should choose you. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Easter 2010
Castelpollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
3rd April 2010.
Dear Reader,
Welcome to the launch of my website, www.psyche.ie Your questions and comments are welcome and will contribute to the Frequently Asked Questions section (FAQ), which will be added to the website in due course.
It is significant that this website is born at Easter; a time of rebirth, when things emerge slowly from darkness with the vitality of new growth and new beginnings; for darkness is always followed by light, therefore light and dark are inseparable.
We tend to celebrate the light, but an interesting question to consider is why don’t we also celebrate the dark? There would be no annual show of snowdrops or daffodils without the time they spent in darkness. When a person is excited, and jumping around because they have won the lottery, we don’t generally tell them to go and see a doctor, or pull themselves together. Yet, when we are troubled, or feeling low, we are often told to snap out of it. How reasonable is this?
These observations have led me to question our beliefs about mental health and mental illness – what is the line between the two, and who decides where it is. Having the perspective of another culture from my Italian ancestry possibly gave me a different perspective on what I saw around me, who knows? However, over the years my commitment has been to on-going personal development. Without having any clearly defined questions, I was on a quest for answers. Fortunately, I met some wonderful teachers along the way.
I am convinced that each person has within them all the wisdom they need to live a fulfilled life, and to realise their full potential. While this sounds wonderful, it is worth noting, that our innate potential does not arrive in the post, together with an instruction booklet. Most of us learn by trial and error, with lots of frustration and many setbacks, with the occasional wonderful moment when all the dots join up. It is a truly unique, organic process, for those who are interested, and not everybody is.
At times we all need support along the way. Needing support does not imply we are going crazy, or that we are not able to cope, or any other such statement. Acknowledging that we need support can be the most vital step we may ever take. The challenge is often in finding the right kind of support.
My commitment is to Offering Support in Challenging Times. If that is what you are looking for, I welcome your call, and will be glad to answer your questions as directly and honestly as I know how. My contact details are on www.psyche.ie
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
3rd April 2010.
Dear Reader,
Welcome to the launch of my website, www.psyche.ie Your questions and comments are welcome and will contribute to the Frequently Asked Questions section (FAQ), which will be added to the website in due course.
It is significant that this website is born at Easter; a time of rebirth, when things emerge slowly from darkness with the vitality of new growth and new beginnings; for darkness is always followed by light, therefore light and dark are inseparable.
We tend to celebrate the light, but an interesting question to consider is why don’t we also celebrate the dark? There would be no annual show of snowdrops or daffodils without the time they spent in darkness. When a person is excited, and jumping around because they have won the lottery, we don’t generally tell them to go and see a doctor, or pull themselves together. Yet, when we are troubled, or feeling low, we are often told to snap out of it. How reasonable is this?
These observations have led me to question our beliefs about mental health and mental illness – what is the line between the two, and who decides where it is. Having the perspective of another culture from my Italian ancestry possibly gave me a different perspective on what I saw around me, who knows? However, over the years my commitment has been to on-going personal development. Without having any clearly defined questions, I was on a quest for answers. Fortunately, I met some wonderful teachers along the way.
I am convinced that each person has within them all the wisdom they need to live a fulfilled life, and to realise their full potential. While this sounds wonderful, it is worth noting, that our innate potential does not arrive in the post, together with an instruction booklet. Most of us learn by trial and error, with lots of frustration and many setbacks, with the occasional wonderful moment when all the dots join up. It is a truly unique, organic process, for those who are interested, and not everybody is.
At times we all need support along the way. Needing support does not imply we are going crazy, or that we are not able to cope, or any other such statement. Acknowledging that we need support can be the most vital step we may ever take. The challenge is often in finding the right kind of support.
My commitment is to Offering Support in Challenging Times. If that is what you are looking for, I welcome your call, and will be glad to answer your questions as directly and honestly as I know how. My contact details are on www.psyche.ie
Yours faithfully,
Mary Stefanazzi
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