Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.
2nd August, 2010.
Dear Reader
The human experience of grief and loss is often spoken about in the context of the death of a loved one. Death understandably evokes feelings of great grief and loss, but in this instance the aim is to think about grief and loss in a wider context.
From the day we are born we experience many losses as part of our natural development. Birth itself involves a loss of the protection provided by the womb. Each new step we take involves the loss of a previous stage of development. We loose our first teeth to make way for our second teeth. When we go to school sometimes we loose friends as often as we make new ones. We loose our childhood as we begin the transition into adult life with the onset of puberty. Loss is not a bad thing, but simply an experience that deserves to be acknowledged. In our western culture we tend not to mark and honour these rites of passage.
We can tend to dismiss the losses experienced by children when we assess the severity of their loss against an adult scale. A typical example here is the loss of a pet; cat, dog, rabbit or some living love object. Adults often try to soothe the child’s tears of loss with the promise to get another cat or dog, thereby missing the point that it is natural and necessary for the child to mourn their loss to allow the broken heart time to heal. As this approach was not generally the case as many of us grew up, we can have a backlog of little losses which have never been allowed time to grieve, so naturally they add up and are just beneath the surface of our everyday awareness, popping up when an opportunity to express some grief arises. Some examples of this are; crying at a sad film, feeling grief stricken when a pop star dies who we did not even know. We think we are crying for others; when it is likely we are feeling our own internal grief.
Where this can become very intense is when a loved one dies and we feel overwhelmed by grief, sometimes to the extent that we feel we cannot function any more. This can be an opportunity to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves, while we begin to feel all that has piled up in our personal history of losses that are now ready to be acknowledged. Often we need a certain distance from a painful event before we are ready to feel the pain of it. Feeling in real time can be too much at times. So there is a wonderful natural timing to all this, we feel our grief when, and only when, our heart is ready to open a little more than usual, to let in our pain.
Tears and sadness are often understood to be the sum total of the experience of grief but there is more to it. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set out five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages can appear at different times and at various levels of intensity, and in no particular pattern or order. Each person has a grieving process that is unique to them. There is no right or wrong way to do it.
Anger can be the most difficult to deal with, because it is not often understood as simply a part of the grieving process. If you are experiencing grief I have two recommendations.
The first; is to welcome whatever you are feeling, little by little, slowly and steadily. We can only do this at our own pace and it varies considerably how different people manage it. Each step we take helps us reclaim another piece of our soul, which can be clouded by grief.
The second is to use the art of communication. Tell the people around you what you need, don’t assume they will know, they generally don’t. Some examples may be;
That you just need them to listen, but not feel they have to say anything profound and helpful in response.
That you don’t have the interest or energy in going out on the town, maybe you would like if they cooked a quiet meal for you at home.
That you would like them to do the shopping for you while you rest a while.
That they go for a walk with you, simply to share company without trying to fix anything.
That you need some time on your own today but would be glad to meet up another day.
So there are many ways to grieve and there is no ideal or right way to do it. What is important is that you honour the way that feels appropriate to you, and communicate your needs to those close to you in as clear a way as you are able. This will support the natural healing process of grieving.
Allowing ourselves to grieve supports our mental health and well being, while it can also be challenging. Leonard Cohen captured one attitude to this as he sang last night into the ether outside Lissadell House from a place of soulful innate wisdom, "..if it be your will."
If you need to make contact with me with any comments or questions you are welcome to contact me in confidence via the contacts page of my website at www.psyche.ie.
Yours faithfully
Mary Stefanazzi
