Ethics

Election fever is spreading in Ireland as the general election campaign to elect a new government begins. This time around is different to previous elections. People are speaking about standards and values, 'what kind of society do we want?' and 'what have each of the canditates to say about this?'

These issues come under the topic of ethics. The ancient Greek word for custom is ethos from which we get the word ‘ethics’ and the equivalent Latin word for custom is mores and gives us the word ‘morals.’ The words ‘moral’ and ‘ethical’ mean the same thing and are often used interchangeably.

The most notable early writer on ethics was Aristotle. Although he lived a long time ago, 384-322BC what he has to say is still very relevant. The key question in Aristotle’s famous book Ethics is not ‘what should I do?’ but rather ‘how should I live?’

The goal of ethics is practical; to identify the best way to live a good life. A good life is one which supports human flourishing. It is not a life devoted to the pursuit of pleasure.

If the pursuit of pleasure is not the answer then what is? Aristotle's aim was to encourage us to figure out our answer to that question. We can change how we think and act in the world. So can our politicians. Enjoy exercising your vote.

If you want support with an ethical issue or question I will be glad to help. Ring me on 086 8545407, e-mail me at info@psyche.ie or check out my website on www.psyche.ie

The Good Life

Do you regularly ask yourself 'what should I do?' Maybe there is another question that we ought to ask ourselves first. It is 'how ought I live?' Thinking about this small question can make all the difference because living the good life holds the potential for happiness.

While we generally want to be happy and have a good life we rarely put time and effort into thinking what this means. The good life is not about following rules. It is about living in a way that supports our human development without causing harm. Happiness is the by product of living this way.

This challenge is put to us by Aristotle - the famous philosopher who was born in 384BC. His understanding of the human condition is such that the questions he asked so long ago can still benefit us in today's world. He is very clear that the good life is not a life devoted to the pursuit of pleasure.

Living a good life does not mean we spend our lives battling with our desires. We simply choose the right thing whatever the situation or circumstance. To do this we first need to know what kind of life we want. Taking action is what makes the difference and that is what the good life is all about.

This time of year is famous for making resolutions which are rarely kept. Another approach is to discover what a good life is for you? After that every choice you make will either support this way of life or reject it. Your choices can make all the difference.

For support in meeting this challenge I am available for one to one meetings or phone consultations.
My e-mail address is info@psyche.ie. and my website is www.psyche.ie

May 2011 be another stepping stone on your good life.

Snow Challenges

Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.

1st December, 2010.

Dear Reader,
The country is covered in snow. Teenagers are having a great time in the fields and parks sliding along on makeshift sleighs and throwing snowballs. Motorists are not having so much fun – the roads are hard to navigate and the stress of trying to avoid a skid is not funny. Older people are not to be seen out and about in this weather and there are repeated calls on the radio to check on neighbours and those living alone. The Irish Times reported on the tragedy an elderly man found dead near his car in north Cork. May he rest in peace and be remembered in our thoughts and prayers.

While the outer disturbance to our lives from a few days snow is easy to identify, the inner disturbance is less visible but can be more disturbing to some people. Most of us spend a lot of time and energy distracting ourselves from what we experience inside. We are often on the go regardless of whether we need to or not. When we are forced to stop by some outer circumstance such as the snow this week it can be quite unsettling. In particular if our social contact comes from going to school or work or via our regular daily activities. When these are cancelled or we cannot get there it is easy to find ourselves cut off and isolated.

The phone and internet can be invaluable tools during a time such as this and may be the only point of contact some people have with another human being till the weather softens. This does not apply just to those living in rural areas – the cities and towns can often be more isolating than rural areas. Bear this in mind when you get a call from someone out of the blue in the next few days. Take a few minutes to really hear what they may be saying to you. Better still if you are reminded of someone as you read this maybe pick up the phone and give them a call.

The spirit of community can operate in new ways now with the technology we have at our disposal. This blog is one such facility. When I think of community I think of Aristotle who lived around 384-322 BC was known as the prince of philosophers. He stressed the importance of community and friendship for human happiness. Happiness he believed is a by-product of living a good life. A good life for Aristotle is one that supports human development in body mind and spirit. This has become known as ‘human flourishing.’

As things slow down a little with the snow maybe reflect on what a good life means to you. As always I welcome your feedback and comments in confidence to info@psyche.ie or via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.

Yours faithfully,

Mary Stefanazzi

Stress and The Empty Nest

Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.

1st November, 2010.

Dear Reader,

Stress is usually represented with an image of an overworked person under serious time pressure. While that can be the case my focus for this article is the type of stress that is less talked about – the stress of the empty nest. The term ‘empty nest’ usually refers to the stage of a person’s life when their children leave home. It also covers far more than this so I will use the term in the literal sense.

An ‘empty nest’ is when the home is empty of the physical presence of another living being as can be the case for many reasons whether by choice or by circumstance. Some examples that contribute to the ‘empty nest’ are living alone, death, retirement, redundancy, family conflicts, in a relationship with someone who is married, death of a dearly loved pet, children leaving home, never having had children, health issues, disability, living in an isolated location, being seen as ‘odd’ and sadly not valued for your unique presence in the world… these are just some of the situations that are the everyday experience for many people.

In an ‘empty nest’ the sound of a ticking clock is often all that breaks the constant silence. The arrival of the postman can be an important highlight of the day. A trip to the shop or the church can be the only social contact in a day or a week. My aim is not to make you feel guilty or miserable but to invite you to consider that there are a variety of living arrangements other than those presented to us via media and advertising. The typical image of the happy couple with 2.2 children and a cat and dog sitting by a glowing fire is not the reality for many people in Ireland today.

With a little bit of thought and effort we can each make a significant contribution to each other without needing to know the details of other people’s particular circumstances. Here are some ideas and I welcome hearing others.

- If working in a shop consider making eye contact with your customer as you ask ‘how can I help you?’ rather than simply saying ‘next’ without looking up.
- Or in a restaurant is it absolutely necessary to seat a single customer at a poky table outside the toilets when there are better tables free?
- Is it really a good business decision to charge extra to customers who are alone?
- Are you really in such a hurry that you cannot hold a door open for the person following your footsteps on entering or exiting a shop?
- Can you consider greeting a stranger with eye contact or a nod or a smile?
- Is it really necessary to speed towards a red traffic light to block another car getting in front of you?
- Is a grumpy face really necessary as you wait in a queue?
- Is ‘thank you’ so hard to say?
- Do you appreciate the value of a handwritten letter enough to write one and post it?

The experience of another human being is often only appreciated after they die. What if we were to learn from that and begin to experiment with people who are still alive and have the capacity to be touched by the simple contact from another human being.

I welcome your feedback and comments as always in confidence to info@psyche.ie or I can be contacted via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.

Yours faithfully,

Mary Stefanazzi

Autumn

Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.

1st October, 2010.

Dear Reader,

Many people dread the days getting shorter and the nights getting longer as autumn creeps up on us. While 'I hate the long evenings,' can be the expected thing to say at this time of year it can programme our psyche to believe this statement to be true. Before we know it we have set up a negative energy about autumn that is not fair to the wonder of the season and certainly not helpful to our mental health. Remember that thoughts create energy. It is often worthwhile to pay attention to what kind of energy we are creating and if it really is what is true for us.

Autumn is a time of abundance in nature. The grain has been harvested and stored, and the hedges are offering us their fruits to enjoy; blackberries, hazelnuts, beech nuts, damsons, crabapples, elderberries and sloes. Fruit has been particularly plentiful this year after the hard winter. The birds are following their innate wisdom and busy eating up as much of this nutritious fare as they can.

'So what?' you might ask. Getting out for a walk in nature at this time of year can be a wonderful and free natural remedy that we are fortunate to be able to do so easily. Even in the cities there are so many parks within a short distance and a trip to the beach or the forest is generally only a short journey away. Here are some useful links if you want to make a day of it… Coillte, National trails day, Looped walks.

Weather is another excuse we often give to stay indoors yet most of us have a raincoat and a spare set of clothes to change into if we do get wet. So really we have no excuse not to get out and see how it goes,hearing the golden leaves crunching under our feet and watching the leaves falling in front of us as we walk along.

While this is an easy natural and free way to nurture yourself that is good for the psyche it is not necessarily that simple as just geting up and getting out. Our old friends Mr. & Mrs. Resistance will be there to tell you 'you might get a cold' 'maybe you might miss something on the television' or that 'sure you can do it tomorrow' and the list goes on, and on, and on…

The support I am offering you this month is also a challenge. When you meet your resistance, thank it for the advice, but get out anyway and feel the breeze on your cheeks. You do not need to wait until you feel like it, just go for a walk and try it out. Especially if you don’t feel like it! Walk with the wonder of a child and see what catches your eye.

What draws your attention and maybe even causes you to smile. Let your arms swing and breathe out all your stresses and strains as you walk. If you have no stress celebrate that as you breathe deeper with each step. What does the natural state of your energy feel like? Let nature support your well-being as she has done for so many before you. When you get home noteice what it was like for you to get out for a while? How did you feel before and after. Was there any difference? If so, what did you notice? How was the whole experiment for you?

The longer nights are an essential time for us to review reflect and remember all that has gone on so far this year. What things have worked well and what didn’t. It is an interesting time to plan for the forthcoming year as you curl to rest and nurture your mind body and soul in preparation for the spring that is just around the corner.

I welcome your questions or comments, in confidence if you prefer, and look forward to hearing how you got on. Remember action speaks louder than words! Enjoy.

I can be contacted via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.

Yours faithfully,

Mary Stefanazzi

Anger

Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.

1st September, 2010.

Dear Reader,

Anger has the potential to be a positive force in our lives, if we take the time and effort to follow three basic steps. The first is to understand how we experience anger; the second, to make reasonable choices in relation to that experience, and finally, to act according to these choices.

Anger runs from slight irritation on the lower scale, with annoyance, frustration, aggression, anger, and rage in the middle, and murderous rage at the top end. While I will vary the choice of words throughout, it is important to note that each word will simply indicate a particular intensity point on this continuum. It is interesting to consider what some reputable names have said about the positive aspects of anger.

The writer Anthony Storr in his book called Human Aggression makes some interesting points on the positive aspects of aggression. In response to the question ‘Is aggression an instinct?’ Storr suggests that in man as in other animals, there exists a physiological mechanism which, when stimulated, gives rise both to subjective feelings of anger and also to physical changes which prepare the body for fighting. However, the way in which human beings adapt to and control their feelings of rage differs widely according to training.

Under conditions of civilisation, it is perhaps easier to arouse aggression than to dispel it; and the man who works out his aggression in violent digging in the garden may seem psychologically naïve, but is displaying physiological wisdom, for he is both giving his rage time to subside and also making use of some of the physical effort for which his body is now keenly alerted. The existence of the physiological mechanism is not in doubt. Self-preservation demands that an animal should carry within it the potential for aggressive action, since the natural world is a place in which hostile threats must be overcome or evaded if life is to continue.

At the introspective level, it may be true to say that one deplores getting angry; but the physiological changes which accompany anger give rise to a subjective sense of well-being and of invigorating purpose which in itself is rewarding. Storr concludes that if the view is accepted that aggression is a basic part of human instinctive equipment, it must be possible to demonstrate that the aggressive drive serves a biological function in terms of preservation of the individual and of the human species. Aggression is not only a valuable part of individual human nature, but also an essential ingredient of the structure of society; and that it is only when the aggressive drive becomes blocked or frustrated that it becomes objectionable or dangerous. It must also be recognised that it is impossible and undesirable to try to rid ourselves of a part of our own nature which is not only innate, but also biologically valuable. The aggressive drive has a number of positive functions: in the creation of order in society. Winnicott agrees with this view, ‘If society is in danger, it is not because of man’s aggressiveness but because of the repression of personal aggressiveness in individuals.’

Elisabeth Kubler Ross an eminent psychiatrist and internationally renowned thanatologist, identified the five stages of grief as follows; denial; anger; bargaining; depression; and acceptance. Her research data was the dying patients she worked with. The problem she discovered with anger was that few people put themselves in the patient’s position to discover the reason behind the anger. She discovered that when a patient was listened to and understood, the need for rational angry outbursts diminished. Similar to a baby, she found that dying patients, who had lost control of some of their faculties, could only express their needs by the use of anger.

Being in the presence of an angry person can activate a persons own internal anger, and the response is often one of withdrawal as a way of denying the presence of internal discomfort. It follows therefore that we can only discover the message carried by our anger, by going towards it, in the spirit of enquiry and discovery, irrespective of whether the anger is in ourselves, or perceived in another.

Clarissa Pinkola Estes in the classic book Women who Run with the Wolves makes a convincing case for the positive use of rage. She argues that collective anger or rage is a natural function, and suggests there is such a phenomenon as group hurt and group grief. Those who become socially, politically, or culturally conscious often find they have to deal with a collective rage that seeps upwards through them, again and again. She holds that it is psychically sound, for them to feel this rage about injustice, and to use it to invent ways to elicit useful change. Collective anger can also be a teacher if we consult with it and question it, in solitude and with others. There is a difference between carrying around an old ingrown rage and stirring it with a new stick to see what constructive uses can come of it. On this basis it would appear reasonable to consider including the potential of anger as a positive force, in any ethical decision making process. By ethical, I mean that which supports human flourishing for self and others.

However I believe we are compelled to enquire into our personal bias and attitudes about anger arising both from our personal history and cultural heredity. There can be no doubt that in Ireland historically our relationship to anger is one of denial and avoidance. It is an aspect of our Be-ing, which I argue is not, in general, integrated into who we take ourselves to be. The result is that anger is not factored into how we make choices on how we “ought” to act. The potency of our anger is forced underground, into the depths of our unconscious, and tends to emerge in a range of destructive and disconnected dysfunctional acts at both the personal and collective level. However, if we are to choose between right and wrong we need to be able to distinguish between them.

As was outlined at the beginning, anger is one instinctual response of our innate wisdom. From the ethical perspective it behoves us to enquire into the cause of this biological response in order to obtain sufficient data to determine our moral intention.

It becomes necessary at some point to accept that anger in itself is neither good nor evil. It is simply a healthy, natural biological response to an outside event, that contains within it useful information for each person. The question, ‘What outer event has stimulated this biological response of anger’, will open the enquiry process. The result of the enquiry, combined with a persons capacity and willingness to take their part in being responsible to the greater good, by setting an appropriate ethical intention and acting accordingly, would deem the response of anger to be intrinsically a necessary and useful impulse towards ethical action.

Anger could also be seen as a subtle divine calling to notice something that needs our attention, which we might otherwise ignore were it not for the physicality that accompanies anger. Anger involves reason, to recognise the injury done, and to recognise what will count as satisfaction for it, but that doesn’t mean anger automatically submits to reason; it needs to be controlled by our free choice based on reason.

Any evil associated with anger ought to be fully attributed to the person who carries out the evil action. Refusing to accept the freedom which is ours is to show that we are afraid to accept responsibility. It follows that the defence of ‘I’m only human’, does not provide a satisfactory defence in the absence of employing reason to evaluate the instinctive response to anger, before taking action.

In conclusion, I decided to put my hypothesis to the test using a completely different perspective and looked to modern day Buddhist teachers. The work of Pema Chodron, on her CD called ‘Don’t Bite the Hook’ was particularly useful, in that she addresses this same issue albeit from a completely different perspective yet comes to the same conclusion. She is noted for her ability to ground complex abstract teachings in the everyday experience, and suggests that how you go towards happiness is by taming the mind and emotions. When faced with something you perceive unjust, getting enraged and righteously indignant serves only to create further injustice. Our challenge according to Chodron; is to acknowledge our anger, but not to act from it; to clearly see when harm is being done, yet speak and act in a way that is appropriate towards achieving the desired outcome. Chodron acknowledges the instinctual response, yet encourages us to act only from a reasoned place. We can want to strike out at someone yet refrain from acting on that impulse.

The case has herein been made that anger is neither good nor bad, but simply carries the innate potential to be a potent positive force in the moral arena. Patrick Hannon in his book Right or Wrong suggests that the responsibility for the moral future of Ireland lies in the conscience of every citizen of whatever religious persuasion.

If these thoughts and ideas inspire you to reflect on your experience of anger my purpose has been served. This is an ongoing process which can be challenging at times. Know that there is support available if you would like to explore any of these issues with the support of a skilled professional. You are also welcome to e-mail a question or comment in confidence to me via the contacts page of my website www.psyche.ie.

Yours faithfully,

Mary Stefanazzi

Grief and Loss

Castlepollard,
Co. Westmeath,
Ireland.

2nd August, 2010.

Dear Reader

The human experience of grief and loss is often spoken about in the context of the death of a loved one. Death understandably evokes feelings of great grief and loss, but in this instance the aim is to think about grief and loss in a wider context.

From the day we are born we experience many losses as part of our natural development. Birth itself involves a loss of the protection provided by the womb. Each new step we take involves the loss of a previous stage of development. We loose our first teeth to make way for our second teeth. When we go to school sometimes we loose friends as often as we make new ones. We loose our childhood as we begin the transition into adult life with the onset of puberty. Loss is not a bad thing, but simply an experience that deserves to be acknowledged. In our western culture we tend not to mark and honour these rites of passage.

We can tend to dismiss the losses experienced by children when we assess the severity of their loss against an adult scale. A typical example here is the loss of a pet; cat, dog, rabbit or some living love object. Adults often try to soothe the child’s tears of loss with the promise to get another cat or dog, thereby missing the point that it is natural and necessary for the child to mourn their loss to allow the broken heart time to heal. As this approach was not generally the case as many of us grew up, we can have a backlog of little losses which have never been allowed time to grieve, so naturally they add up and are just beneath the surface of our everyday awareness, popping up when an opportunity to express some grief arises. Some examples of this are; crying at a sad film, feeling grief stricken when a pop star dies who we did not even know. We think we are crying for others; when it is likely we are feeling our own internal grief.

Where this can become very intense is when a loved one dies and we feel overwhelmed by grief, sometimes to the extent that we feel we cannot function any more. This can be an opportunity to be gentle and compassionate with ourselves, while we begin to feel all that has piled up in our personal history of losses that are now ready to be acknowledged. Often we need a certain distance from a painful event before we are ready to feel the pain of it. Feeling in real time can be too much at times. So there is a wonderful natural timing to all this, we feel our grief when, and only when, our heart is ready to open a little more than usual, to let in our pain.

Tears and sadness are often understood to be the sum total of the experience of grief but there is more to it. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross set out five stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages can appear at different times and at various levels of intensity, and in no particular pattern or order. Each person has a grieving process that is unique to them. There is no right or wrong way to do it.

Anger can be the most difficult to deal with, because it is not often understood as simply a part of the grieving process. If you are experiencing grief I have two recommendations.

The first; is to welcome whatever you are feeling, little by little, slowly and steadily. We can only do this at our own pace and it varies considerably how different people manage it. Each step we take helps us reclaim another piece of our soul, which can be clouded by grief.

The second is to use the art of communication. Tell the people around you what you need, don’t assume they will know, they generally don’t. Some examples may be;
That you just need them to listen, but not feel they have to say anything profound and helpful in response.
That you don’t have the interest or energy in going out on the town, maybe you would like if they cooked a quiet meal for you at home.
That you would like them to do the shopping for you while you rest a while.
That they go for a walk with you, simply to share company without trying to fix anything.
That you need some time on your own today but would be glad to meet up another day.

So there are many ways to grieve and there is no ideal or right way to do it. What is important is that you honour the way that feels appropriate to you, and communicate your needs to those close to you in as clear a way as you are able. This will support the natural healing process of grieving.

Allowing ourselves to grieve supports our mental health and well being, while it can also be challenging. Leonard Cohen captured one attitude to this as he sang last night into the ether outside Lissadell House from a place of soulful innate wisdom, "..if it be your will."

If you need to make contact with me with any comments or questions you are welcome to contact me in confidence via the contacts page of my website at www.psyche.ie.

Yours faithfully

Mary Stefanazzi